


It's just touch

by Blackghost7



Category: NCIS
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-20
Updated: 2015-07-20
Packaged: 2018-04-10 08:13:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4384118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blackghost7/pseuds/Blackghost7
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the morning, Tony was gone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's just touch

Tony’s tongue softly invading his mouth and dancing around his own felt heavenly, and Gibbs shivered with pleasure even as a soft moan escaped the back of his throat. Tony’s hands caressing his skin, one brushing over the back of his neck, the other sliding under his shirts to find his wildly racing heartbeat with his fingers, made Gibbs want to beg and plead for more, but Tony’s tongue plunging in once more prevented the words from coming out of Gibbs’ mouth. Tony’s hips softly grinding against his made Gibbs gasp as he felt Tony’s arousal slide against his own. One hand buried in Tony’s hair, the other buried under the waistband of Tony’s jeans cupping his ass, Gibbs pulled them even closer together.

In the back of his mind, his own drill sergeant voice was screaming at him that this was a Bad Idea, Gunny! And What The Hell Do You Think You Are Doing, Gunny! And yes, the capital letters were clearly audible. But Gibbs ignored that voice, his body overriding his mind, his touch-starved skin demanding Gibbs give in to Tony’s caresses. For months now, the only physical contact he had had were the hugs he got from Abby, and Gibbs had known he was in trouble as soon as he felt the first brush of Tony’s fingers over his skin.

*****

“Want another, Gibbs?”

Tony poured himself another helping of bourbon, then refilled Gibbs’ mug too when the older man held it out to him.

“You drunk yet, Tony?”

“Getting there. You?”

Gibbs just hummed as he took another sip.

“Why are we getting drunk again?”

“Don’t know, Tony. Don’t remember.”

“Me neither. Guess it must be working then.”

“Yup.”

When Gibbs leaned over the workbench to squint at the toy he had been assembling, Tony reached out his hand and brushed it softly over the side of Gibbs’ neck. Gibbs froze for a second, then a barely perceptible shiver ran along his spine as he held his breath. Tony was eyeing him curiously when at last Gibbs raised his gaze to the younger man. Tony cleared his throat, his voice soft when he explained.

“Sawdust.”

Gibbs swallowed visibly, his eyes fixed on Tony’s fingers as they approached him again.

“There’s a little more.”

Their eyes were glued to each other while Tony reached out and softly brushed his fingers over Gibbs’ skin again, and Tony registered the shiver that ran through Gibbs at the touch, took in the hitch of Gibbs’ breath when Tony’s fingers caressed him, and he licked his lips unconsciously when he saw desire flare in Gibbs’ eyes.

Tony didn’t fool himself into thinking that it was desire for him, no matter how much he would like that. Gibbs didn’t crave him, he just craved human touch. Tony knew Gibbs better than anyone, having studied him for years, and he had seen these signs in Gibbs before. But where before Gibbs had gone out and found himself a lady, these past few months Tony had seen the signs get worse, and no lady friend in sight. He had wondered about that, but would never dare ask. And he swore to himself that his fingers reaching out for Gibbs really had been about the sawdust, and not his own desire to touch and comfort Gibbs.

Putting down his jar of bourbon, Tony reached out and gently took the mug from Gibbs’ fingers, putting it down as well, then curled his fingers around Gibbs’ neck to draw him closer.

“Tony…”

Gibbs’ voice sounded strangled and almost desperate.

“It’s okay, Jethro. I just want to hold you. Even you need to be held sometimes.”

And Tony softly coaxed Gibbs forward until he held the older man in a loose and casual embrace, keeping it light to give Gibbs the chance to pull back if he wanted to. Tony held his breath, letting it out in a soft, deep sigh when at last he felt Gibbs’ hands come up and return the embrace. To his surprise and pleasure, Gibbs tightened his hold and after a short hesitation, buried his face into Tony’s neck. Gibbs’ warm breath tickled against Tony’s skin, making him shiver, and Tony swallowed hard in an effort to keep himself under control.

Seeking more contact, it was Gibbs who started to rise to his feet, Tony following his movement and tightening his own hold on the man in his arms as soon as they stood. His one hand still held the back of Gibbs’ neck, the other now slowly stroked up and down the older man’s back in a soothing gesture. Tony’s breath hitched in his throat when he felt Gibbs’ warm mouth open against his skin and a gentle swipe of a warm, wet tongue up the pulsing vein at the side of his neck. Now it was his turn to sound strangled.

“Jethro…?”

Gibbs pulled back a little and looked up at Tony, blinking slowly, his gaze flickering from Tony’s eyes to his lips and back. Tony held back a groan when Gibbs slowly licked his lips and then cleared his throat, his voice gruff and dead sexy.

“It’s just touch, Tony.”

And then Gibbs leaned in and softly brushed his lips over Tony’s, a gentle touch, then a soft nip to Tony’s lower lip that made Tony’s knees turn to jelly, and Tony tightened his hold on Gibbs again to keep himself from crumbling to the floor.

*****

Tony’s mind was reeling from the sensations of Gibbs’ hands and lips on him, and from the voices screaming to him in the back of his mind. One voice was yelling at him to stop, and What The Hell, and This Is The Stupidest Thing You’ve Ever Done Anthony!, but it was drowned out by the other, pleading for More and Please and Oh Yes, Dear God!

He had no idea how they had made it from the basement to the bedroom, no idea how he had ended up covering Gibbs’ body with his own, all he knew was that he had already been half hard by the time their bodied pressed together. And when Gibbs slid his hand into Tony’s jeans and cupped his ass, Tony moaned as all his blood rushed south and made him harder than he had ever been in his life. He would have been embarrassed, if not for the feeling of Gibbs’ arousal pressing against his own, equally hard, and the realization that it had been Gibbs who took it further each time. Gibbs had tightened the embrace, Gibbs had initiated the first kiss, Gibbs had started caressing Tony’s bare skin.

And now it was Gibbs who was rolling them onto their sides, fumbling with Tony’s belt and zipper and then his own, and it was Gibbs who pulled them together and enclosed them both with his strong fist, using long strokes and rubbing his thumb over their tips, as Tony clung to him desperately, moaning into the kisses they exchanged. Despite the alcohol burning in his veins and stomach, his desire was raging furiously, and he lost himself to Gibbs’ touch in a matter of minutes. When he felt the familiar tingling at the base of his spine, he pulled back from the kiss and breathed harshly, managing only a single word before he exploded.

“Please…”

With a guttural cry, Tony spilled himself over Gibbs’ fingers and stomach, clinging to the man tightly as his climax raced through him, making him shudder uncontrollably. His eyes squeezed tightly shut, his breathing ragged, he barely registered the low moan and jerking hips against his own as Gibbs followed him over the edge. Sated and half drunk, Tony’s eyes fell closed and he slipped into sleep within moments.

*****

Gibbs breathed deeply for a while, keeping his body still as his mind was spinning. When he heard Tony’s breathing even out, signaling the younger man had fallen asleep, Gibbs opened his eyes and turned his head so he could look at Tony. Tony’s face was relaxed in sleep and he looked younger than Gibbs had seen him look in years. He looked innocent, and Gibbs felt the guilt creep up in his chest. Giving himself a mental head slap for using Tony like this, he quietly and carefully got out of bed and made his way to the bathroom where he cleaned himself up. Taking a wet washcloth back to the bedroom, he carefully cleaned Tony up as well and tucked him away. Hesitating for a moment, Gibbs settled back into bed next to Tony, and lay staring at the younger man for a long time, his feelings alternating between guilt and wonder, before he finally fell asleep.

In the morning, Tony was gone.

*****

Tony called himself a coward, and every other name in the book. He had woken up just before sunrise, feeling the remnants of alcohol still thrumming through his veins, and the remnants of pleasure thrumming through every cell in his body. He knew where he was and what had happened even before he opened his eyes, and knew that while he’d had a lot to drink, he couldn’t blame this on the alcohol. He’d been inebriated, yes, but nowhere near drunk enough to forget what he was doing and with whom.

When he opened his eyes, his gaze fixed immediately on Gibbs. The older man was sleeping soundly, a small smile on his lips, and Tony had to stop himself from reaching out and brushing his fingers over that smile. Then he felt the guilt creeping in. He had used Gibbs for his own pleasure, taken advantage of a vulnerable moment to fulfill his own desires, and shame burned his ears. Knowing it was stupid and cowardly, he carefully got out of bed, another flash of shame rushing through him when he realized Gibbs had cleaned him up and fixed his clothes, but Tony couldn’t stop himself from leaving. He couldn’t face Gibbs after what he had done, even though he knew that feeling would only get worse the longer he tried to hide from it. Tony quietly fled.

*****

For weeks they danced around each other, avoiding each other’s eyes. When Tony stumbled over his own feet at a crime scene and Gibbs put his hand on Tony’s back to steady him, a furious blush crept up Tony’s cheeks. Instead of handing Gibbs his coffee, Tony deliberately put it on the man’s desk, ignoring Gibbs’ outstretched hand ready to accept the beverage.

After having driven over to Gibbs’ place and chickening out from going inside to talk to the man twice, Tony finally manned up. Hearing Tony’s footfalls on the living room floor and then coming down the basement stairs, Gibbs let out a deep breath, and smiled.

*****

Tony sat on the stairs in silence for long minutes, clutching a beer in his hands, and refusing to look at Gibbs. He just didn’t know how to start, not with something like this. He couldn’t – wouldn’t – apologize, and didn’t want to ask for forgiveness either. When Gibbs cleared his throat, Tony looked up hopefully.

“Tony, what happened that night…”

“I screwed up, Boss.”

Gibbs frowned.

“What do you mean?”

Tony sighed, then swallowed. His voice was soft, but the words came quite easily now that Gibbs had started the conversation.

“I swear I just wanted to make you feel better, Jethro. It was just supposed to be a comforting hug between friends. I don’t know how it got so out of hand, but I promise I didn’t mean it to. I thought I could control it, control myself, but it felt so good to finally hold you in my arms, and then we were on the bed, and I just couldn’t hold back, I had to feel you. I swear it won’t happen again, and I hope we can forget about it, it’s just that I have wanted you for so long, and…”

A snort from Gibbs interrupted Tony’s flow of words, and Tony’s eyes, which had been darting from one corner of the basement to the other, anywhere but at Gibbs, finally focused on the man. The look of incredulous surprise on Gibbs face would have made Tony laugh if he hadn’t been feeling so guilty.

“Did you just say you wanted me?”

Tony gave an uncertain, tiny nod. Gibbs’ eyes narrowed, but his voice was soft, just trying to understand.

“Tony… Why would you want me?”

Another blush appeared on Tony’s cheeks, and Gibbs’ frown softened, but he still didn’t understand.

“I’ve always been attracted to you.”

“You… Is this… What?”

Seeing Gibbs flustered, Tony felt his confidence boost a little, knowing that he was not the only one who was feeling insecure at the moment. He put down his beer and walked over to Gibbs, daring to reach out his hand and cup Gibbs’ cheek.

“You’re an attractive man, Jethro, I always noticed that. And over the years, the better I got to know you, that attraction just grew. I just never intended to tell you or do anything about it.”

“Why not?”

Tony managed a grin.

“You’re kind of intimidating, you know.”

“You afraid of me, Tony?”

Tony shook his head.

“No. But not being afraid and telling your boss you’d like to kiss him are two very different things.”

Gibbs softly trailed his hand over the arm Tony was still holding out to cup Gibbs’ cheek, then gave it a soft squeeze.

“Good. Don’t ever be afraid of me, Anthony.”

Giving a soft smile, Tony drew back and sat down on the sawhorse next to Gibbs. After a few moments of silence, Gibbs spoke again.

“Does that happen often? That you’re attracted to a man?”

Tony smirked.

“Once or twice.”

“Ever act on it?”

“No. Not until…”

“I was your first?”

Tony nodded.

“I’m honored.”

At Tony’s questioning look, Gibbs bumped his shoulder against Tony’s softly.

“You’re a handsome man, Tony. A good man. I don't deserve you."

Now Tony couldn't hold back a soft snort of derision.

"Right. So that's why all my relationships ended. Because I'm such a good man."

Gibbs placed his hand on the back of Tony's neck and squeezed softly. 

"You are, Tony. Trust me."

The silence lasted a long time after that as both men were lost in thought. Then Tony looked up at Gibbs almost shyly.

"Are we good, Jethro?"

"We're good. We're friends."

Tony hesitated only a moment.

"Thank you."

*****

Tony had left shortly after that, and over the next few weeks, they slowly became themselves again, interacting the way they always had. But Gibbs sometimes caught a wistful look on Tony's face, and Tony found Gibbs' gaze locked on him a few times, the older man seemingly deep in thought. Despite both of them trying to act normal, there was this slight tension under the surface that neither seemed to be able to break. Tony started keeping his distance more again, not visiting the basement nearly as often as he had before, and Gibbs hid behind his growl even from Tony. They drifted apart, and each of them blamed himself for it.

*****

Throwing down his tools on the workbench, Gibbs cursed himself as he poured another mug of bourbon. He missed Tony, and he saw Tony was unhappy, but he didn't know what to do about it. He wanted to drag Tony into his arms and comfort him the way the younger man had comforted him all those months ago, but they were in a very different place now, and Gibbs was certain the gesture wouldn't be appreciated. Back then, he had played it off as comfort between friends, but he wasn't sure they even were friends anymore. Tony had pulled back from him, and Gibbs had admitted to himself that there was more going on with his feelings for Tony than he had been able or willing to admit to back then. 

It didn't come as a surprise, but Gibbs did find it hard to accept at first. He had been attracted to men before, and even fooled around a little, but this thing with Tony was something very different. Tony had a special place in his heart, and that Gibbs couldn't allow. The people he loved got hurt, and Gibbs wouldn't be able to stand it if anything happened to Tony. So he kept his distance. But then Tony cracked.

*****

Frustration with the job and life in general had been building inside of Tony for months. No matter how many bad guys they caught, new ones, worse ones always crept out of the woodwork. No matter how many dates he went on, they never seemed to ignite that spark of interest in him that used to come so easily. No matter how much he tried to forget about Gibbs, the images of the two of them together always snuck up on him again as soon as he closed his eyes, and his heart clenched painfully each time. 

When suspect number twenty-whatever managed to produce an alibi for their current murder, Tony threw his Mighty Mouse stapler at the plasma and watched dispassionately as the screen cracked, the installation wobbled, and then crashed to the floor. A shocked silence fell over the bullpen.

A soft voice sounded in his ear, just barely managing to drift through the haze in his brain.

"Go home, Tony."

Blindly, unseeing, Tony nodded and grabbed his gear.

*****

Just over an hour later, Gibbs used his tools to let himself into Tony's apartment. Grabbing two beers from the fridge, Gibbs made his way over to the living room, finding it empty. Curious and worried, Gibbs put down the beers and searched the apartment, finding Tony in his bedroom. Clothes were strewn around the room, and Tony was sitting on the floor against the foot of the bed, dressed only in shorts, his arms curled around his knees, his forehead rested on his interlaced fingers. Gibbs lowered himself to the floor next to Tony, and gently put one arm around the younger man.

For a moment, Tony seemed to melt against him, but when Gibbs started softly brushing his hand over Tony's shoulder and leaned in to place a soft kiss against his neck, Tony stiffened. Then he pulled back, his voice a guttural, hoarse cry.

"No! Not again! I can't do that again!"

"What, Tony?"

"This is what ruined it last time. No touching! Friends, right? We're supposed to be friends! And friends don't touch like that!"

"Do you want to be friends, Tony?"

"Of course!"

"Nothing else?"

"That's not an option."

Gibbs sighed, then got to his feet, holding out his hand to Tony. 

"Come on, Tony. Let's get you to bed."

Reluctantly, Tony let himself be pulled to his feet and tucked into bed. 

*****

Gibbs was still there when Tony woke up in the morning, sipping what looked like his fourth coffee and reading the newspaper. Gibbs had dark circled under his eyes, his clothes were wrinkled, and his expression pained. While Tony poured himself a cup of coffee, Gibbs pushed a chair out from under the table with his foot and Tony sat down. They drank in silence for a while.

"I made so many mistakes, Tony."

Stunned, Tony was at his most eloquent.

"What?"

"Mistakes. My life. You."

Tony just stared. 

"I didn't listen carefully enough to you, did I?"

More Tony stares. Gibbs sighed again.

"I'm sorry, Tony."

Tony put down his cup of coffee with shaking hands.

"I didn't really understand what you were saying. And I didn't know. That's all the excuse I have."

Cocking his head to one side, Tony studied Gibbs intently.

"I miss you, Tony. I want you. I need you."

At last looking up, Gibbs fixed his gaze on Tony again, then put down his cup. Getting up, he brushed a kiss against Tony's temple, then whispered.

"I'm sorry, Tony."

*****

Tony sat in stunned silence for a long time, not sure of what had just happened or what Gibbs had meant exactly. But then a small smile blossomed on his face, and he got up to shower and dress. If Gibbs thought he was getting away that easily, his boss was sorely mistaken. Yet again.

*****

Gibbs held his breath when he heard Tony's footsteps approach, and kept his eyes trained on the toy on the workbench as Tony made his way into the basement.

"So… Jethro…"

Gibbs hummed quietly in acknowledgement.

"You can't just say stuff like that, you know."

"I know."

"Then why did you?"

"I didn't. Not just like that. Thought it over and all."

"You did?"

"Of course."

"So, what does it mean?"

Gibbs put down his tools and looked up at Tony.

"It means… I don't know what it means. But I can't stand to see you unhappy. And I need you."

"As a friend?"

Gibbs shook his head.

"No, Tony. Not as a friend."

"As what then?"

"Tony…"

"I need the words, Gibbs. I need to hear it."

Their eyes were locked on each other, Tony's pleading, Gibbs' defiant at first, then relenting.

"As my lover. I need you. As my everything."

The stalemate lasted for long minutes. Then Tony gave in and grabbed Gibbs' face in his hands, pressing a soft kiss to Gibbs' lips.

"I need you too."

"As your friend?"

Staring into Gibbs' eyes, Tony pressed another kiss to his lover's lips. Then he softly shook his head.

"You've always been my everything, Jethro."


End file.
